L.

While this blog is primarily for posts about my medical school adventures, my family, and food, I need to take a minute and write about a good friend that I lost last week.

Dear L.,

I know I should not be sad that you were called to be with our Lord last week.  But I'm sad that I never got to say goodbye and tell you how much you meant to me.  I don't know how you died, or whether you knew you were leaving this world, or whether you were able to say goodbye to your family.  But I do know that you passed away having lived a good, full, faithful life.  You set a wonderful example for anyone you met.  I look to your example and see how to be a good wife, a good mother, a good Christian.  You never complained about anything.  Your moral compass was always spot-on.  You always saw the positive in any situation.  You loved everyone, especially your family, and never hesitated to help anyone in need.

I remember the year we met.  I was a sophomore and you were a freshman in college.  We lived on the same floor of our dorm.  You were right across the hall.  I had crazy roommates so I spent a lot of time in your room.  We went shopping together.  We watched basketball together.  We partied together.  A lot.

We went to the mexican restaurant where you could get served a margarita without being carded.  Foolproof, we were told.  Just smile and order one and you'll get it.  But we were carded.  Probably because we looked like we weren't even old enough to drive.

We moved out of the dorms but still found time to be together.  I'll never forget our road trip to Yellowstone.  You might have been the smallest, but you were the toughest one of all four of us when we hiked.  My heart nearly stopped when you calmly pointed out fresh, still warm bear droppings on the trail.  One night we played pool in Bozeman, and I remember thinking about how I didn't really like playing pool but it's fun if you're playing with people you love.

I remember when you met "J".  You thought he could be "the one".  I thought you were crazy.  Then I met him and realized that you were right.

We graduated; first me, then you.  We became roommates, with real jobs and real responsibility.  You were a fantastic roommate.  There was never any drama, only friendship.  When your bathroom flooded we laughed about it together.  You didn't make fun of my cinnamon rolls that did not taste like cinnamon; you gladly ate them (after generously adding your own sprinkle of cinnamon on top).  I remember going shopping with you to pick out the perfect puppy.  Your dog liked to pull the buttons off my coats, but I liked to take him running and wear him out as payback.  When "J" came over, it was never awkward.  It never felt like "that boyfriend who is always there".  You both were like family to me.

I got married.  You were there with me every minute that day as my "personal attendant".  I will never forget that.  To this day, I wish I would have made you my maid of honor.  In retrospect, you deserved that title more than anyone I knew that day.

You got married.  I was one of your bridesmaids.  I was pregnant but I wasn't ready to tell you yet.  Thankfully, I still fit into my dress.  I will never forget when we went to get your hair done before the wedding.  I wanted to take a nice "after" picture and at the last minute you made a bridezilla face.  Typical.

After that, life got in the way of us spending time together, but you remained very special to me.  You transformed into something even more wonderful than I could have imagined when your first baby was born.  You were meant to be a mother.  And a wonderful one you were.

Neither one of us liked to talk on the phone, and the emails slowly dwindled into occasional Facebook posts.  I wish we could have had more playdates with the kids.  The dinners together were too few and far between.  In the last couple of years, I could have made more of an effort to see you.  Last year I drove through your town almost every week, but although I always thought of you, I never stopped to see you.  Most recently, we were only a short drive away from each other.  We were busy, but had I had any idea what was coming, I would have made more time for you.

You taught me so much about life and what it means to truly live with no regrets.  As I watch your sons grow into men, I'll see you in them.  And they will know the wonderful woman that you were.

Your friend always,
P.

Merry Christmas!

This song pretty much sums up Christmas for me.  It's my favorite Christmas song by far.  Especially when sung by Josh Groban.

Merry Christmas everyone!

O holy night!
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night
Of the dear Savior's birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till he appear'd and the soul felt His worth
A thrill of hope
The weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks
A new and glorious morn!
Fall on your knees
Oh hear the angel voices
Oh night divine
Oh night when Christ was born
Oh night divine, oh night, oh night divine

Chains shall He break
For the slave is our brother
And in His name all oppression shall cease
Sweet hymns of joy
In grateful chorus raise we
Let all within us praise His holy name
Christ is the Lord, let ever ever praise Thee
Noël, Noël
Oh night, Oh night divine
Noël, Noël
Oh night, Oh night divine
Noël, Noël
Oh, oh night, oh night divine

Update On All Things Med School and Mommy

So, two months later after I posted about posting more often.......

It's December.  I just finished my last systems-based module in school, Blood and Lymph (with a personal best grade!  Woo hoo!), and began the first of a series of modules designed to help us transition from the didactic to clinical years of our training.  The current module, "Medicine Across the Lifespan", tackles the differences in treating special populations such as the elderly and children.  While it has been interesting and VERY relevant (did you know the fastest growing demographic in the US is people over the age of 85?), truthfully, it's been really hard to focus.  I still feel slightly drained from the last two modules and am feeling the stress and anticipation of Christmas.

I also had a chance to do some shadowing.  A previous module, Brain and Behavior, sparked my interest in neurology, so I shadowed one of the neurologists who taught us for a couple of days.  It was an amazingly interesting experience, and I have definitely added neurology to my list of specialties I'm interested in.

The kids are excited as ever for Christmas.  As we usually do, we managed to do all of their shopping on Black Friday.  Although this year we were not out buying toys at 5 am, we did manage to snag some great deals.  The crowning glory is a swingset.  My husband was originally planning to build one for the kids, but we found a great deal on one so we went ahead and purchased one for them.  I can't wait to see the looks on their faces!

The baby is hardly a baby anymore.  He's trying so hard to keep up with his big brother and sister.  I'm pretty sure he's going to skip crawling altogether and go straight to walking.  He's already much bigger than his siblings were at his age (meaning, he's of normal height and weight for his age).

My older son has hit that special point in every boy's life.  You know, the one where he wants drums for Christmas.  And he will tell every Santa he can find that he needs drums.  Santa is definitely not bringing drums this year, so I hope that does not crush his precious little heart.  I'm sure the swing set will make him forget all about drums... for now.

My daughter has a better grasp than ever on the true meaning of Christmas.  I think for the first year she is realizing that it's not all about presents and that there are plenty of people out there who won't have presents or even food to eat on Christmas.  She definitely still wants presents, don't get me wrong.  But perhaps when she is a little older we can begin a new tradition of celebrating the birth of Jesus by helping those who need God's love the most rather than solely with gifts.

On Marriage and Medical School

While being a mother and a medical student is a whole new level of craziness, successfully balancing marriage and medical school is a feat in itself.  Things especially get sticky when the spouse is in his or her own successful and dynamic career, rather than just keeping a job to pay the bills.  While we all want to focus on ourselves and our own budding careers, it's hard to stop and remember that your spouse has worked hard to get to where he or she is today and must be given support and opportunity for success, as well as respite after a particularly rough day or week.  Not to mention that they are financially supporting you and the rest of the family despite the money pit us med students are digging.

It's pretty easy to butt heads, especially when careers and kids are both thrown in the same mix.  Who sacrifices at work/school if the kids are sick and must stay home?  The person making the money, or the person in whose future career the money is being invested?

The solution is a lot of sacrifice, adapability, and faith.  So far, we have a pretty good system going.  Since I'm not on rotations at the hospital yet, my schedule is pretty flexible.  Most days I am able to stay home and podcast the day's lectures if something comes up.  And the days that I cannot do that, my husband has been able to work from home.

It helps us to take a few minutes whenever possible to reconnect as a couple and talk about anything not school or kid related.  The husband and I enjoyed a quiet dinner and glass of wine this evening after the baby went to bed, while the older kids played together quietly in another room.  Some days I crave an entire weekend getaway, just him and I in some warm sunny location, alone...  but most days this is enough.

All Things Neuro

So it has definitely shaped up to be a ridiculously crazy module.  Pair that with my new inability to stay up past 9 pm half the week and you get to where I am: lots to learn, with the clock ticking.  You know it's bad when you struggle to stay up later than your kids (all under 5; these are not high-school night owls or anything).

My Brain and Behavior final exam is a week and a half away.  I've put everything on hold this past week to study anatomy, as we have a head and neck anatomy practical the same week as the exam, worth approximately 1/3 of our grade.  Yikes.

My poor kids have been subjected to my endless practicing of parts of the neuro exam or head & neck exam on them.  Although they are too ticklish for me to successfully palpate any cervical lymph nodes.

I really like the current module (well, except for the intricate anatomy).  I could even realistically see neurology in my future.  Sometimes I wish I could just slow things down and actually focus on learning because I want to, rather than learning for the exam and boards.  Sometimes I feel as if that is a great injustice of medical education-- not having the luxury to spend more time learning what truly interests you at the moment that it begins to interest you.

I guess that is what residency and fellowship is for. 

Black (Olive) Magic

I recently found a revelation of a recipe for marinated black olives here.  Now I'm not normally a fan of black olives, but this simple marinade elevates them (and anything served with them) to a whole new level.

I've served the olives as is, with feta or cubed mozzarella tossed in, or as a component of pasta salad (marinade and all).  It's my new favorite way to eat black olives and a staple go-to recipe for parties and the hubby's work luncheons.

Last night I stepped it up a notch and created an amazing dinner using a double batch of the marinade (minus the olives).  I added a few tablespoons to chicken breasts and let them marinate for a couple of hours.  I tossed some raw whole carrots and hearts of romaine in a few more tablespoons of the marinade.  I added the rest to a couple of seedless cucumbers that I diced.

While hubby grilled the chicken, carrots, and romaine, I made some couscous.  Once everything was done cooking, I sliced the grilled romaine and tossed it with the couscous and a little parmesan.  I served the chicken breasts atop the couscous, and topped the whole thing with the marinated cucumbers.  I garnished this with some shaved parmesan and served the carrots on the side.

Heaven on a plate.  It was delicious and healthy, and something I'll be repeating quite often.  I know a picture would be helpful, but the food didn't remain untouched for very long.

The best part was my kids picking the parmesan shavings off the top and talking about how much they love eating "stinky cheese".

You know you're a medical student when...

10.  Your instructor cites Wikipedia in their lecture.

9.  Hearing "Step 1" sends chills down your spine.

8.  You snack A LOT.

7.  Four words: high yield, low yield.

6.  You plan your life around test dates.

5.  You have no problems discussing a cadaver dissection while eating.  Or discussing food while dissecting a cadaver.

4.  You stress that you're not stressed enough.

3.  Having lunch with your friends involves laptop computers.

2.  You feel helpless if you go anywhere without your computer.

1.  You can't listen to people speak at length without having the urge to speed them up to 1.5 or 2x speed.

What would you add to this list?

On Kids and Medical School

While I was extremely nervous about this balancing act before starting med school, I was fortunate enough to meet other students in my class who are also parents.  Now, I will say that in my opinion, it is very different being a dad vs a mom in medical school.  Traditionally, mothers are the primary caregivers of children regardless of whether or not they work outside the home, while it is generally more acceptable for fathers to focus more on their careers and less on day-to-day family life.  I fully embrace this.  Women were designed and wired to do this, more so when our children are small and very dependent on us for everything.  We are smart, patient, strong, and connected.

There's definitely a choice to be made when faced with balancing motherhood and a rigorous career.  I carefully chose to be mom first, med student second.  No matter what.  So my daily schedule revolves around meeting the needs of my family before school-related stuff.  Some days this is harder than others, and I want to just scream "don't you people understand that I'm a medical student?!?!".  Thankfully, I am able to stop myself by remembering the sacrifices my family is making every day for me.  My sacrifices pale in comparison.  I'm actually rewarded.  Every day.  I'm doing what I love, and reaffirming every day that I really do love what I do.

It's easy to think I'm nuts.  That I'm not fully taking advantage of my medical training by focusing all of my time studying.  That I'm not giving back to the community enough as a future physician.  That I'm just studying enough to get by.  Well, it is just not true.

My study time is more efficient than it ever has been, and I'm amazed at how much I'm learning every week (and how well it sticks!).  I manage to find time once a month to serve as a "Student Physician" at my school's free clinic, and integrate what I learn in the classroom with these clinical experiences.  I remain aware of the USMLE Step 1 monster that awaits me next summer (although I haven't officially begun studying for that just yet).

The icing on the cake is the lesson I am teaching my kids.  That it's never too late, that you never have to settle for second best.  That's it's ok to work hard and reach for the stars, and if you fall, just get up and do it again.  That you don't have to be #1 in everything as long as you give everything to what it is you're doing.  That religion and science are fully compatible no matter what others may say on the contrary.  That marriage is a partnership centered around self-sacrifice, and not something you take for granted.  That family is forever, and everything else comes second.

Including medical school.

Swimming in the Deep End

My life right now as a mommy/wife/M2 is a little like swimming in the deep end of a pool.  It takes some coordination and endurance.  It's tough but not impossible.  And if you stop, you drown.

On any given day, I wake up, get myself ready, get all 3 kids ready, pack 2 lunches, and pack my backpack.  All before 7 am.  Then comes a 30 minute commute (with the husband and kids-- we carpool, which is pretty awesome as it gives us a chance to squeeze in some extra togetherness).  Then classes all morning, followed by either an afternoon learning activity (dissection, PBL, small group discussion) or quiet study at the library.  Then the carpool commute home.  Then I feed the baby while I cook dinner.  Then eat, clean up, and sit down to study.  Most days this works well, but some days I spend only a few minutes at my computer studying before I find myself falling asleep.

Am I tired?  Yes.

But I'll keep treading water for as long as it takes.

The Beast that is Second Year

So, I started a blog in July.  Enthusiastically.  And then second year started and it all hit the fan.  Now it is October.

For a blogger, that's an epic fail.  I apologize for that (I guess that goes to you, my two whole followers, that I happen to see in person every day).

It's not that second year is that much harder than first year was.  It isn't.  There's just so much more coming at you all at once, and it's impossible to learn everything.  Have you ever heard of the fire hose analogy?  In the medical community, it is said that med school is like drinking from a fire hose.  You can only drink a fraction of the water coming at you.  I never really believed that analogy to be true until this year, and I have to say that it explains second year very well.  There's so much material to learn, and although it is (mostly) fascinating, you just can't learn everything.  I've had to learn to separate the meat and potatoes from the... parsley?... and focus on what's most important.  It doesn't help that we have required afternoon activities about 3 days per week, leaving even less time for independent study.

Computer in my lap, glass of wine in hand, and ideas in my head.  Here come a few posts.  And I promise I won't abandon Mommy MD-To-Be for this long again.

Redefining Vacation

I remember my vacations of not-so-long-ago, somewhere in between living at home with my parents and becoming a parent.  Plenty of spontaneity, no catering to anyone else but me (and my husband after we got married), 100% pure relaxation.  For me during this time, a vacation was a chance to experience something new, go somewhere really far away, and lose track of time.

Well, let me tell you something.  Vacations change once you become a parent.  I'd been told before that vacationing with kids was different, but I never really understood how until we had kids and took them on family vacations.

Vacations for us require a lot more planning now than just picking out a few outfits and coming up with a general plan for what to do when we get there.  For our most recent road trip, it felt as if we had packed the whole house.  Do we really need to bring the baby's bouncy seat AND bumbo seat?  Do the older kids really each need a bag full of toys if we're going someplace fun?  An entire duffel bag for diapers, wipes, and bibs?  Yet you pack and pack and pack, with the hope of heading off any possible reason for a meltdown or expensive trip to the store.

Not to mention the lack of spontaneity once you get to your destination.  Kids generally don't sleep in (well, mine did, but we had to keep them up very late every night), and there are naps, snacks, and diaper changes to mind.  You can't just decide to go to the pool and then go.  You decide to go to the pool, then wait until the kids wake up from their nap, give them a snack, apply sunscreen, wash sunscreen out of their eyes, reapply sunscreen since they cried it all off their face, find their shoes, find their floaties, find their sunglasses/goggles, and 3 hours after you decided to go to the pool you finally get to go.  Once you get there, you relax in the cool water for about 6 seconds before you are up chasing them around.

But you never truly experience a vacation unless you see it through the eyes of your child.  Young kids exhibit pure joy.  They forget everything routine that is awaiting them back home.  They soak in all the sights and sounds, and truly enjoy themselves.  They run at full speed until they pass out from sheer exhaustion.  Vacation becomes their reality, not some temporary event with an end in sight.  While we intermittently remind ourselves about work or school or all of the money we are spending, the kids do not have a care in the world.  It's pure bliss, something adults strive for when on vacation but can never seem to attain.

Maybe family vacations should be about acting less like adults and more like kids.

My Daughter's Fascination with my New Career Path

My daughter is a vibrant young preschooler.  To my excitement, she has become fascinated with my new career path.  Here's a small sampling of things she says as she takes in our medical school experience.

(Now, I fully understand that my kids are not necessarily as charming to everyone else as they are to me, so perhaps this post is more for me so that I don't forget this precious aspect of my journey through med school.  But I hope you enjoy and at least get a little chuckle.)

-When we're eating any type of meat, once she knows which animal it is from, she asks which body part it is.  She then tells me the corresponding body part on her own body (her personal favorite is pork butt- such a comedian).

-"Mommy, are you going to wear your white doctor suit tomorrow?"  There are some days when I must wear my short white coat and bring my stethoscope with me, whether I'm heading off to practice my skills with a community physician, volunteering in my school's free clinic, or participating in a learning activity in my school's clinical skills lab.  I usually set it out the night before so I don't forget, and she calls it my "white doctor suit".

-"Mommy, can I read your body book?"  The body book to which she is referring is my anatomy textbook, Gray's Anatomy for Students.  She loves flipping through the book, periodically stopping to ask me to explain a picture to her.  I tried explaining dermatomes once and afterwards she looked at me as if I were crazy and said "That man just has a rainbow on his body".  Although she has learned that the "intestines make poop and the kidneys make pee".  I guess that sums up the important stuff from my Gastrointestinal and Renal-Endocrine modules from first year.

-"Why does that man not have any skin?"  A time or two she has caught glimpses of my computer screen as I watch an anatomy review podcast recorded in my school's cadaver lab.  The first time I was expecting cries of terror, but she was surprisingly ok with it.  I think it bothers me more than it bothers her, so now I try to wait until after she goes to bed to review those.

-"When my mommy becomes a doctor, we get to go to Disney World!" Our ideal plans include a big vacation to Disney World after graduation, before I start residency.  She doesn't hesitate to tell this to anyone and everyone.  Even random people at the store.  Hmmm, I wonder if she is excited...

-"After preschool I'll go to high school, then college, then I'll be in med school like you!"  If only it were that simple.

Fellow medical student mommies, do your kids ever entertain you with their own interpretations of your medical training?

Miles and Miles Apart

When I began medical school in July of 2010, my husband and I had every intention of living apart for two years.  At my school the first two years must be spent on the main campus, and for the last two you could remain there or switch to a smaller campus in a different city (which happens to be where I'm from).  My husband and the kids would maintain their stability in our old city, and I would only move away for the first two years, coming back to be with them for the last two.  Sure, we knew it would be rough only seeing each other on the weekends and getting by with "skyping" during the week.  But they would have plenty of help with extended family who lived nearby, and I would have the entire week to myself to study.  I could spend the weekends just being "mommy".  I even had a friend who had done the same thing a few years ago, and it worked out in the end for her and her family.

Well, that plan was much better in theory than in practice.  Yes, I did have loads of study time during the week.  I was satisfied with my academic performance, so I was able to study very little on the weekends and focus on the family, giving my husband a much-needed break.  I spent those weekends caring for the kids, doing laundry, and cooking meals for an entire week or two at a time.  But when it was time to make my 5 am drive back to school every Monday morning, I was exhausted.

There is something special about the entire family being together every day.  Seeing your smiling sleepy-eyed kids every morning.  Having dinner together every night.  Spending time with your husband every night after the kids go to bed, even if you are making flash cards at the same time.  Not feeling like you have to cram an entire week of togetherness into two short days, on top of the laundry and the cooking.  I was jealous of my married classmates who complained that their spouses weren't giving them enough space so they could study.  You have to be with your spouse every day in order to have that problem.

We knew we wanted to have our third child during medical school, but when we found out we were expecting, we realized that we were not as okay with living apart as we thought we would be.  How would I finish the school year by myself with a newborn?  While my husband did an amazing job with the kids by himself, how would he be able to take care of two young kids and an infant by himself the following year without going crazy?

In the end, our prayers were answered.  My husband found a great job, and we found a wonderful daycare for the kids.  After a few stressful weeks of packing, moving day finally came.  The entire family was together again, for good, just before Valentine's Day.  In my opinion, it was the best Valentine's Day ever.

So how does the story end?  The baby was born 4 weeks early but perfectly healthy.  My test scores fell slightly but it was worth the extra time spent with my family.  We finally got the stacks of boxes unpacked.  I survived my first year of medical school and overall I did much better than I had expected. 

I have to keep telling myself that, while it feels like I just finished running a marathon, it's only the beginning.  Second year is a whole new race.  And board exams and clinical rotations are looming on the horizon. 

Runners, take your mark.

Banana Oatmeal Pancakes

All my friends who know me well enough will not be surprised to know that the first subject I am writing about is food!

I created these one day after coming across a recipe for banana pancakes using banana-flavored instant oatmeal packets.  Now, I love the occasional bowl of pre-flavored instant oatmeal, but the packets contain too much sugar to be incorporated into a food that is traditionally covered in additional sugar before eating.

While I prefer to make pancakes from scratch, I've found that a good instant pancake mix to which you just have to add water can be a lifesaver.  Especially on those weekend mornings when I open the refrigerator and realize that we are completely out of eggs.  These were perfectly light but dense pillows of banana goodness that my kids and husband, well, went bananas for.  Unfortunately I didn't take any pictures before we devoured them (I'm new to this blogging thing, remember?) but I will try to remember to post a picture the next time I make them.  I hope you like them!

Banana Oatmeal Pancakes

1-2 very ripe bananas, peeled
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp vanilla
2 tb brown sugar
2 c instant pancake mix
1 c old-fashioned or quick-cooking oats
2 c water

Mash the bananas with a fork in a large bowl.  Add the cinnamon, vanilla, and brown sugar and continue to stir and mash, until you have a delicious, smooth banana goo.  Add the pancake mix, oats, and water and stir just to combine.

Preheat a nonstick skillet or griddle to medium and coat with vegetable oil or spray.  Scoop out batter using a 1/3 cup measure and pour onto hot surface.  Cook until the top surface of pancake appears dry, then gently flip.  If you have trouble lifting them out you may need to let them cook an additional minute or so; the banana makes these pretty delicate.  Cook until the other side is browned and the pancakes are no longer gooey in the center.  This makes about 12 pancakes.

Serve warm with syrup, Nutella, peanut butter, whipped cream, or any combination of the above.  My personal favorite topping is Nutella, but my husband happily ate them unadorned.

My Very First Post!

Well, I took my husband's advice and finally started my blog.  For a while now I had been lamenting the fact that I could find no bloggers in my situation already writing.  I guess there just aren't that many older medical students out there who are also moms to multiple young children.  They exist, but as I already know it's very difficult to squeeze much of anything else onto our already full plates.  But I'm going to try, maybe not for my own reasons but for my kids, who can someday read these musings and know (if not remember; they're very young now) what these crazy medical school days were like.  Hopefully along the way someone else in my situation, looking for support and affirmation among like peers, will relate to my experiences and appreciate our journey that much more.

So what am I doing?  Well, I hope to write equally about all the interesting facets of my journey: marriage, motherhood, food, and medicine.  However, I'm sure the distribution may not be as equal as I want because school will inevitably take over my brain here in about a month.  I'll be starting my second year of medical school and will be immersed in a new level of craziness, learning at a quicker pace than first year while keeping the USMLE Step 1 board examination in the back of my mind (I take that monster of an exam at the end of second year).

Here goes.  Buckle up kids, it's going to be a wild ride!